Lori (cocoajava) wrote in prancingdragon,

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Between A Mun And A Pup

[This chat took place a few weeks ago, and was just discovered in my chatlogs. Haldir was having an awkward evening, not dealing well with impending changes that seemed to be coming upon him, and Faramir's mun CJ, who loves this Haldir dearly, decided to at least attempt to soothe him.]

CocoaJava: Haldir? Would it help to talk to me? Since I'm a mun, and since I helped Faramir leave mespt. I care about you, and am worried about your changes recently. Can I help? Explain anything? Just listen while you ramble? I'm here.

Haldir: .... I am not really certain what to say. *inhales and exhales slowly*

CocoaJava: *smiles, grabs two Dos Equis and a bowl of lime wedges, sits next to you* I understand that. I tend to exel at not knowing what to say or how to express myself right, sometimes. If you want to just ramble, even. Im good with that.

Haldir: *shakes head* I do not feel I can even ramble. I do not know if I have anything to speak about. Perhaps if you start speaking, I will know what to say.

CocoaJava: *nod* Okay, then. That works sometimes for me, too. *pushes your bottle towards you* Bite a lime and then take a drink. It's good* I've been feeling funny about Faramir leaving mespt. I wonder if others are upset with me for doing that. I was very concerned about you, and tried to make absolutely sure you would always have what you needed. I'm still trying to do that.

Haldir: *quietly, taking the drink and lemon* Last night muns spoke of starting a new MESPT. I thought of Faramir. That maybe I would have him come back. But I know you may not wish such a thing. I feel... faded.

CocoaJava: *chokes on my beer* Muns were speaking of that? I'm... well, Haldir, I'm stunned. Why? What would make it different than the old mespt? But the decision would be yours, Haldir, my wishes no longer take a place in Faramir's life. I meant it when I told your mun that you and her hold the muse in your hands.

Haldir: They say the mespt is dying on it's... feet. *trying to remember* it would break way from the old and those who were active would have a time to come in, and then if they did not, all other places would be open for someone to create another of us. I feel...worn and old. perhaps I... *drinks* I do not know how to react in that world, to the muse leaving. Faramir is gone, gone from my presence.

CocoaJava: Faramir is gone from my presence too. I miss him. But... *heavy sigh* I'm also glad he doesn't have to carry the baggage any more. And I'm dropping my baggage too. It takes me a little longer because of being human, we are a little less pliant than you guys. Now.... Faramir is happy when he's with you, I don't know what he is otherwise, I can't feel him when he's away from you. I still don't understand wanting another mespt *shaking my head* Wouldn't that just be another source of the problems and curses you took on in the old one? Ungoliant, twin moons, the Hunter, the stupid stuff like Naked Day and jello landslides... I guess I can't see why new is better than old.

Haldir: I as well, though I do not permit myself to be involved in Naked Day or jello landslides. I only remain for those I still continue to interact with. None others.

CocoaJava: I understand that. You're a good and loyal friend, and I know Luthien and Eomer need you. Faramir almost stayed behind for Gorlim, I remember.... but then Gorlim's problems became so bizarre that Faramir floundered, just couldn't bear them. I hope he doesn't feel guilty for not being able to help Gorlim more, I don't think he does. Haldir is still needed by his friends. I think Faramir had done all he could for his, and so leaving was okay. It's not that they didn't -like- him anymore, I know he was loved by his friends. But he wasn't needed, if that makes sense? Wasn't depended on? His wife had vanished, as had his child, others had found their places in life, it's as if things were settled in a way that he felt he could slip out without causing too many ripples at that time.

Haldir: ...... *drinks more, ignores the lime*

CocoaJava: don't give me that look. We didn't forget about YOU. There was never a moment when both of us didn't make sure you would always be able to find Faramir. I think we may have set a precedent for this. there's some sort of line still between you in mespt and faramir in his place. I don't know how it works, but I'm glad it does.

Haldir: At least the lines between being yourself and not yourself, are rather dim. I do not know what would happen to me otherwise. ... *sighs* Faramir is missed. I miss him. I did not need another, and yet I felt the longing even when I had not found him. And then I did find him, and he woke that need. To no longer feel the pain I would have to cut out a part of myself.

CocoaJava: You feel the pain, still? Faramir is freely yours, whenever you wish him. Is there still a need to miss him? I know there are times when I cannot be here to be his Writer, late at night when I must work the next day. Those are the times that must be the worst for you, Haldir, and I regret that. But I cannot change my life's responsibilities. *gets frustrated a little, peels label off my beer bottle* I would work to bring Faramir to whatever place helps you, Haldir. I do not wish to see you in pain.

Haldir: *shakes head, peels own label* *leans forehead against hand as if with a headache, closes eyes* I am more... here now. Faramir is gone, in the ... what it is called, In Character world, I no longer have him with me. However, his presence though unwritten, I was told while I grieved and believed him dead, that he was still alive if I so wished. That I could have him alive, waiting for me. I no longer wish for a world where he is unwritten and has no presence in my life. I do not know what else to live for, I just... *hands clench around the bottle until he hears a sharp high pitched *crack* and relaxes quickly* I only want to be happy. Eomer and I have finally it seems resolved our tensions. Luthien is my friend a dear friend and I care so much for her daughter. Isildur is gone, I no longer even remember her child at times unless she is mentioned. I adored that child, but they are gone and somehow that makes it easy to forget. I do not wish to forget Faramir... but I wonder in that world if I must to keep from the desire to leave. And yet I do wish to leave. There is nothing left to hold me there, no true... world, it is not a true world, it is too... unclean. I cannot exist there. I am a creature of Canon, a world of laws and rules and knowing what will be over the next hill and that the sun truly will rise the next day. And yet I would wish to still continue with my meeting Luthien and Eomer and the rest, and so I am torn in two. I know not where to go, and am in a void of indecision. So much carries my heart, so many paths. And I do not know if there is a path that is no path but a river that connects to all rivers...

CocoaJava: *bangs bottle down hard in my excitement* That's it! You put it well. It's not a true world, so much is twisted and wrong in it. When Faramir came to life... when I brought him to mespt, I was a new mun. He was my first character ever of this sort, and mespt was a huge expanse of unknown things to me. I brought him there... and almost at once things began to happen to him. He started to accumulate burdens at once. He was assaulted by Issy and forced into a marriage. She was a strong presence in that warped world and we did not know how to deny her, but we regretted that decision from the start. The child... Faramir grew to love her too, but again, that was not our choice. The snowball kept rolling, experiences kept accumulating.... and I hate to admit that my Faramir is vulnerable to this kind of heavy load, as am I. So much was put upon him in the name of 'mespt normalicy'. But he was at heart, canon. And I had placed him in a zoo. When he met you... canon called to canon, heart called to heart, soul to soul. I know that's true. There has to be a path for you. Im not giving up on you at all.

Haldir: *quietly* I just want to be with Faramir and know nothing beyond that moment. Ever. I am tired of things constantly happening, one horrible terrifying event after another. I am -tired-, and I wish to -rest-. Even our ultimate writer, he... did not make things this terrible -all- of the time. I miss ... *eyes go distant* I miss watching the grass of the hills of Rohan, feeling the wind against my cloak. Just watching. Guarding the southern post, knowing that the next day would bring those strawhaired riders who would have horses to breed with ours, and I would be the one to make sure all was understood. I miss that. I miss knowing what would happen the next day. I miss the quiet nights sleeping in the trees. Very little rain ever happened... I like rain. Maybe that is one reason I left Lorien. It does not rain, there. I miss the feel of rain. It does not rain in this world. Except when it is a terrible rain.

CocoaJava: *goes quiet, drifting on your words and descriptions, in spite of your pain I am calmed by your small bout of storytelling* I wish that world for Faramir. He deserves it. The other, he has--- *cuts self off short* I cannot remember one good night in mespt when a simple gentle rain fell that did not bring something horrible with it. Faramir would be so soothed by such a rain.... I think. He has never felt a good rain. *suddenly wants to cry*

Haldir: Aye. *quietly* I would be soothed by such a rain as well. I would wish him to feel such a rain. ..... *drinks more of the Dos Equis*

CocoaJava: *even more quietly* I am a Writer. I should be able to write this rain. Haldir, why can't I? Perhaps I can, though.... if it would soothe you as well. If such a rain fell, where would you wish it to fall? Tirith? The woods? Henneth Annun? Help the Witer, Haldir... lead me to the place.

Haldir: Gorlim spoke in the prancingdragon of watching Faramir search for me in the rain. *just as quietly* And I regret that I do not remember a time where this happened. *eyes go distant* *looks at you* Perhaps Faramir and I would meet again, in such comforting rain. I think I will be leaving this mespt in time, though I do wonder if... it will become better soon, I cannot hold that hope. It is hard for elves to hold that hold to ourselves, we gave it to the second-born. Look at me, Cocoajava. I speak in Canon, and I think in Canon. I am not meant for the mespt world. And yet I have been there so long that my heart still has a peice that belongs there. I am... in a limbo as you might put it. I keep wishing for more time, and yet my one year anniversary was... four months ago I think. *shakes head* And I am not sure that others understand this desire to simply not exist.

CocoaJava: *quietly considers another time and place, a rain falling perhaps on another Faramir, wondering if another Haldir might also need shelter from such a rain* Oh, I'm sorry Haldir, I was just thinking. One year and four months is a very long time to remain in a place where you don't feel you belong. The others, I think... do not understand this desire, and they will grapple with you and cling to hold you there in that land. This makes me feel very sad, yet I cannot do anything to either make you stay or make your go. All I can offer is to try to make it rain for you.
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